Head Under Water

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I’m not certain where these images come from – but nonetheless, it’s appropriate. I’m going to opt to see this as the sun rising – just as my head goes under the water.

Because that’s honestly how I spend my days right now. Waking up in a panic, wondering what steps to take and in which direction. As a planner and a controller, it’s the type of freedom that’s oppressive, overwhelming, and that leads to dreadful self-doubt and uncertainty.

Background: for the last ten years, my husband has been employed in a lucrative and very demanding position in the mental health and independent living field. My role has been to be home and available to our growing kids (now 10 and 7) as his days were often long and unpredictable. It had been our plan for me to start law school this September, as the kids need me less and our lives open up a bit… But then health care reform swept our province, and  my husband’s job ended up in the dustpan.

And so I deferred law school. 3 years of tuition, books, and 0 earnings. It no longer seemed like a simple or positive equation. Especially considering my husband’s need to re-group and reconsider his direction in life. So I deferred my acceptance into school, and slowly waded into the formal job market.

I’m 42. A university graduate. I’ve done some contract work and volunteered over the past decade, but haven’t had a normal “job” since October of 2007.

It’ll be interesting to see what the world makes of me as I try to find something meaningful to apply my talents to. Scratch that. It will be terrifying.

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